your eyes are amazing..

can you miss someone you've never seen in your life? that's the question I keep asking myself. My best friend - I love her to death. We know each other since 1 1/2 year and we trust each other so much. We're talking for 7 hours on the phone and it doesn't get boring, we tell each other our whole life and it was so unpredictable that we'd even know our names.. When my boyfriend broke up with me, his best friend broke up with his girlfriend -that was her. We chatted on facebook and we cried together. I've been through all the emotions with her and she's been through the same with me, we were there for each other and just from the start on we loved and trusted each other. And now that I'm away I miss her so much. I miss being in the same time zone as her and calling her in the middle of the night and crying. telling her everything. She is so awesome. We're planning on going to the same school when I'm back and getting coffee and shopping and doing yoga and all this stuff. We're just the best best friends in the world I think. Although I've never seen her, I love her. I love her so much, I trust her more than myself and she knows me better than I do. So yes. you can miss someone you've never seen

All this time
we were waiting for each other
All this time
I was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
So I'm straight
in a straight line
Running back to you
I don't know what day it is
I had to check the paper
I don't know the city
but it isn't home
But you say I'm lucky
to love something that loves me
But I'm torn as I could be
Wherever I roam
Here me say
All this time
we were waiting for each other
All this time
I was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
So I'm straight
in a straight line
Running back to you

OneRepublic - All This Time !
I love this song. It fits my life so perfectly :) I'm amazed how big of an impact music has in my life. I guess I just couldn't live wihtout it ♪♪

I miss him like crazy. The boy from this summer, he came into my life, made everything worthwhile, changed my life completely and turned my whole world upside down. Then he left. And I had to leave, too. Everything changed  again, but the only thing that didn't change is the fact he's still on my mind, every time I close my eyes and start to drift away, I see memories of all the times we had. I miss him, everyday.
And I'm not sure how to get through the next 204 days without having him to know about my feelings

I'm truly amazed about how one person can change all your feelings and desires. He was here yesterday and made out with my sister. The whole time I wished I never came here and just wanted to go back immediately, I had my best friend on the phone and she tried everything she could to keep me from cutting and crying. Before he came I felt so bad that I had to throw up! Fuckin asshole makes me feel like shit! I just wanted to die, the whole time he was here making out with my sister. Going back -that was all I wanted, more than everything else. Then he left and she talked to me and said she really doesn't like him and what a stupid guy he is! He really thought we did not talk about the fact that I made out with him. Seriously, he didn't know she knew about the thing between him and me! what a stupid little bitch!
While she was talking to me we were eating ice cream in front of the tv :) She vented the whole time and I was sooo happy to hear she doesn't like him! I felt so good because she HATES him! that just made my day yesterday :) I want to stay, because I just came to realize that these people surrounding me are totally amazing. And true friends, I think.
And I came to decision I should not start to panic the next time something like that happens because there is a chance it all might turn out well :) there's always hope, so never give up on hope :)

wow. I'm totally surprised about how he can make me feel so small. I thought I was over it, because I didn't see him in almost two weeks. That felt so good. I don't need him -for sure, but my heart still beats a bit barely when his name is spoken out loud and it's getting hard to breathe. Now he's almost here to make out with my sister.. and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to say, to feel or to do. And I hate those kinda surprises life has in some kinda times, but I guess that's just the way it goes.
I hope I survive this day without scars

OH MY GOD ! he is coming today! My sister is gonna hang out with him.. she is such a little fuckin bitch. She came up to me and said "hey, is it okay if he comes over tomorrow? I really wanna hang out with him. And I wanna make out with him, but only if you REALLY like him I won't do anything. But you have to like him A LOT!" and I answered that it's okay. She knows that it's everything but fine but WHATEVER, she does fuckin not care about it. Main thing she gets to make out with him.. clusterfuck.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do when he's here. He wants things to be normal, not awkward, but how am I supposed to feel when I watch a movie, knowing that he makes out with my sister in her room upstairs? Why does no one ever care what I think or feel. I'm a person, not a toy. And I want them both to know that what they do really hurts me and makes me feel like a worthelss piece of shit, but I don't wanna be in the way and have them both being mad at me...
CLUSTERFUCK

flashs

do you know this warm fuzzy feeling when suddenly you remember one little thing with the person you used to love? when your skin gets cold, but on the inside you're cozy and your heart skips a beat and beats a bit faster than it did before? I love having these weird moments, they make me feel so good and remind me how much worth a memory is. sometimes I think I just live for creating bittersweet memories and always remember them

I need to be alone! All by myself. That's all I need. At least for a while. I need to figure out who I am and what I'm gonna do with my life because obviously it can't go on like this. I can't put someone I love first, I need to remember who I am and what I need and I should always put myself first. No matter how egoistic this may seem, it's true. I can't just live with the fear that all of a sudden I'd be worthless for him. I need to find myself somewhere in this world. I wanna be happy and that's all I need right now. I'm not gonna look for happiness, because look for it and you'll never find it. All I'm gonna do is try to life with myself on my own and just be alive. Let's see what happens

there's a reason, there is a reason for everything, why things happen the way they do. Probably the person you try to hold on to isn't supposed to be in your life, I'm sure there was a reason he came into my life and changed things for a while, but I'm also pretty sure there's a reason why he had to go and couldn't stay. And I don't believe I'm the reason or I did something wrong, the more I think about it the more I see things clear -HE is the reason. not me. he's just not supposed to be in my life, that's it. He came and made things wonderful for a little while, but when we were making out I was already counting down the minutes when he had to leave.
Probably it's gonna take a while until you figure it out, but if you really think he's supposed to be with you, fight for it. Fight. And don't give up. No one is supposed to ever let you down, but you'll learn that it happens. You'll get your heart broken and you'll break hearts, that's the way it goes. And probably not everything happens for a reason, but most of the things do. Reasons are just weird and confusing to me, because half of the reasons people give me aren't reasonable at all to me. But just as I said, that's the way things go

christmas is coming :)

wow. I'm surprised how fast Christmas arrived. I always thought I wouldn't be in a hurry this year, because I started buying gifts in August and now I'm totally screwed and need to go Christmas shopping! The good thing is I love buying gifts for my friends and make them happy with self-made bracelets, photos and all the memories we share together :) I love Christmas. I love Christmas, at home. I wanna be with my friends and walk around the Christmas decorated town, walk to all these Christmas markets and drink hot wine, eat candy apples and enjoy the 12 inches of snow. Laugh with them about the silliest things, do all the stuff we used to do in Christmas season. Bit most of all I wanna enjoy the season of joy, snow, happiness, love and friendship with them. Because my friends are my life and since I left I don't feel complete anymore

summer memories

wow. I just realized I'm still not over this summer. Memories of him & me, majorca holidays, drunk nights, crying and just enjoying life are flashing my mind now. I think this summer was the best I've ever had so far, it makes me wanna turn back time and just live it over again, to never see it end. Because the end is the part I'd wish to forget, all these goodbyes and broken hearts.. but still, it was all worth it. Every single little thing that happened this summer are memories I'm never gonna forget

loving the USA. thanks, my wonderful host family, i love you so much!

if you have a best friend, go and thank them for being there! I just did it and I have to say -I feel wonderful! My best friend completes me, she makes things worthwile, she makes it easier when life gets hard, it's not that bad to get over someone when I talk about it with her. Words can't even describe nearly how much I love her and how thankful I am to have her in my world, for all of the wonderful times we spent together and will spend :)
Friendship is more important than everything else, so go and tell your best friend how much he/she means to you, because you never know what happens and how much time you have left♥

laughing is the best medicine

it is :) laughing is so good :) it makes you feel like everything is okay and all the shit that is on your mind doesn't seem to matter anymore. You start to feel good and forget all the problems, laughing makes me feel complete. It's a part of me, I guess, although I don't laugh that often, but if I laugh it's with the persons I know and love. Because they are the ones that can honestly make me laugh and not fake laughing. love laughing C:
coffee time now (:

I hate Switzerland. I seriously do hate it. He is such a bitch, I don't even know what to say, all I wanna do is punch him in the face and be like ''hey, fuck you. stupid asshole.'' he so does deserve it. For trying to tear apart me and my sister and try to make us be mad at each other and make situations awkward between us? nooo understanding. totally not. He's not worth it, he's not worth anything. He's not even worth thinking about him -just a waste of time and thoughts I could use to figure out the way my life is going!
Dammit

Android

aaaaah :) how cool is that, I finally found a Blogspot App for Android phones :) I bet this gets me addicted to blogging from my phone C:
cheeeers

Trading Yesterday - Shattered
The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)

those two things recently saved my life! I'm so glad these awesome bands like The Fray and Trading Yesterday exist and make life worthwhile with just making the music I love and I need to stay calm. Thanks♥

wow, I'm surprised how things can turn around by just one person, one thought. All the things that happened in the last 2 weeks, I actually didn't think I'd get over it so easily, but apparently I am. He doesn't mean much to me anymore, when he flashes into my mind I can only think the word 'whore', not more. He is a whore, a worthless piece of crap, that's it. And all this made me realize the person I really want -the boy I had something in Germany, this summer. Yes, he's back on my mind, back in my life, although he never seemed to disappear. I don't know why, but for some kind of reason I want him more than everyone else and it just makes me happy to know the person I'm truly in love with

FOOD ♥

oh gooood,oh my god ! I found something sooo good :) it just makes me happy ... and YUMMY :) this is so delicious C: it's homemade banana - bread with little pieces of chocolate on top of it :) but I think I had a little too much, my stomach hurts so bad now :/ I can't eat so much of it, but it's just so good :)
But what sounds even better to me is hot chocolate and dipping a banana into it :) that's what I'm gonna try the next time I need chocolate for my soul :)

alone

I think being alone is exactly what I need. Probably it's not as bad as I thought it was to be away from home, probably I could try to find out how much I really need home, because right now I do need it, I need the surroundings I grew up with, the people I knew my whole life, the places I know every corner. I need all that. But if I think about how much I need it, I don't know the answer, fact is I do need it, but how much? More than everything else? The only thing I need more than everything else are my friends -that's for sure, I owe them so much. But the rest? How much do I need everything else I've been used to my whole life? Do I really need it so much as I think I do? Probably not. So it's a good thing I'm a bit more alone than anytime. I can think about myself and how I wanna live

"no". that should be an easy word for everyone, just say "no", but why can't I say it? I can't say no to anything, no matter how mad I am about something or how much it would hurt me, I can't say "No, I don't want you to make out with him" to sister, I can't say "No, I don't want to help moving the trampoline because my throat fuckin hurts" I can't say it. But I think I should start to say it, because people are using me since I can't say No and I just don't wanna give in everytime anymore

why, why does it hurt to look at his photos? why does my heart skip a beat everytime he posts something on facebook and it flashs to my startpage? why can't I just move on like I planned to do?
He is a bitch, a worthless piece of shit, and if he wants to be a whore -fine, but he shouldn't think he could use me as his toy, because I'm tired of being just a toy, I'm tired of getting calls like 'hey wanna hang out?' and just fuck. I can't do this anymore, I want my own life, I don't wanna make out with someone. I need a break from all this

done

it's over. he wants to date my sister. my sister, how heartless can you be? seriously, he asked me if i'd mind if he dates my sister, because he's looking for 'the one' and he thinks she could be 'the one'. that's what he said, straight to my face.
I think I'm done now. I'm so over it :)

I think I need to figure out who I am, what I want and what I don't want. I just need to be alone, although that's probably not the best idea. There is so much stuff I need to think about, just think about it in my mind and I still need to get over things that happened in the past, and if I don't do that, I'm gonna blame mistakes an old one did on a new one.

When I came here, I thought I'd probably figure out who I am. Without all the trouble I have in Germany, and now I have even more problems.
We went to the movies yesterday -Harry Potter- and it was me, my sister, he, my friend and his friend. After 5 minutes my friend left to make out with a random guy and his friend was just being awkward and didn't talk. Anyway, HE, "my" he, played with my hand sometimes, looked me in the eyes for 2 minutes and would not look away. While we waited outside, he was standing next to me and would just make his arm next to mine..
and then inside, it was his friend, me, he, my sister. And at the beginning I was just lying my head on his shoulder, because the movie was fuckin scared. He did not do anything, he did not put his fuckin arm around me. Nothing. It was so different then from the last time we went to see a movie.. so I just sat back in my seat and was depressed. Apparently I fell asleep and my head fell on his shoulder and he woke me up with the words "hey, could you please stop it?" and I was like "oh oh sorry." and he just said "sorry." I was so about to punch a baby in the fuckin face. I'm not even kidding, I was so pissed and was just thinking 'Yeah. Fuck you. I can go and get some wherever I want to.'
But after 10 minutes of being totally pissed, I almost started to cry. Why the frickin fuck did he made out with me? Why are things so awkward now? Why the hell does everything go wrong in my life, no matter where I am, what I do, or what happens. Everything goes wrong and i just don't want to deal with all this anymore.

"hearts are always broken because of unspoken words."
That's the quote that came on my mind this morning and is still there. But what if the person you like doesn't have a heart? Or at least pretends to not have one and doesn't have feelings at all? You start to think about this quote and actually if you tell a heartless person about your feelings, everything is just going to turn out being awkward, you start to feel worthless and ashamed, because that's the normal reaction you get when you opened up to someone and they don't feel the same way about you.
I think it should be the other way around, YOU did the right thing, no matter how you feel about that now, you should always say how you feel inside about something -and no, I don't mean to scream it to the world and let EVERYONE know. Just let the person to who it concerns know, and if they disappoint you, don't be ashamed and don't let this depressed feeling keep you from seeing the truth. THEY should feel bad about themselves, because they should feel ashamed for making you think there could be something, something like love or happiness. You"re the one who should be proud of what you did -you told someone how you feel about something, you tried to get something that means quite a bit to you. That's the way you should think about it the next time someone disappoints you when you told them what you feel.

Probably I'm never gonna figure out what went wrong and why things are the way they are now, but at least I tried. And that's the best I could do, so I'm gonna keep my head held high and try to get over it -moving on now.

ignored

he is ignoring me so much, I seriously doubt my existence. Am I invisible? Why can't he see me? But if he can't see me anymore, why could he see me a week ago and ask me out? I'm confused. I don't get it.
The problem is, I just can't ignore what happened. I can't ignore the things he said -I pretty much can't forget anything.

fuck. fuck. fuck. I hate my life. I seriously don't see any reason to go on like this. I fall in love and it's the same every time. ''Don't tell anyone we're dating!'' ''We have to keep this as our secret!" I'm tired of keeping everything as a secret. It's not worth it. Why do I always get the guys who just want to have sex? I really thought this time it would be different. Why? Because he knows all the right things to say. He would stop kissing me and say something really sweet like ''you're really pretty'' and ''you're so cute'' ''I like you a lot'' and all this stuff that just makes me even more fall in love with him. Why does love and relationships always ruin my life and bring me to a point where I can't take no more? Aren't those two things supposed to make you happy and be a balance in your life? Be a stabile point on which you can always rely on and be sure it's there? Why does it get normal for my life to have to deal with crap like getting ignored. I hate it. He ignores me, all the fuckin time! I'm sick of it. I wanna end it, but NO, I can't end it because I'm too afraid and I just wanna have him. I'm stupid.
ONE REPUBLIC - SECRETS.

I guess everything falls apart at some point.

I hate this feeling of rejection. He totally ignores me, he doesn't text me like he always would, he doesn't call me to make sure I'm okay, nothing. I don't know what went wrong, what the fuck did I miss this time... apparently something must've been totally wrong and I'd like to know what it is this time

what if all you want to do is giving up? giving in? I feel like it's gonna be a long night, crying in the bathroom and finding myself in the morning on the floor. I can't do this anymore, I don't want to be the girl every guy keeps as a secret. I want to be loved, I wanna be hugged from behind, I wanna be kissed in public, I wanna hold hands. Secret love has its magical feeling, but I'm getting sick of it

It's never too late to fight for what you love

why is my life that dramatic? All I'm asking for is a normal relationship, a normal guy, good-looking, that's all and I don't think that's too much. Why does every boy I date has to be either an asshole, a male whore or bi sexual ?! I don't get it. What's wrong with my life.. Yes, the guy from yesterday just told me he's bi. I am fuckin shocked. hate my life

OOOOH MY GOSH ! C:
yesterday, I was on a date with him :) we went to the movies and it was so cute, thihi C:
We watched 'The Social Network' and I didn't understand that much of it. It's just kind of distracting when the most attractive guy you've ever seen has his arm  around you, is playing with your hair and whispers in your ear 'i like you' ! (: it was the best date I've ever had.

down

seriously? is this what my whole life is about? feeling down and bad about myself because I start to think that THIS time it could actually work out? I am so stupid. I hate myself right now, I hate myself for always making the same mistake -falling in love. Apparently it doesn't work out the way it's supposed to be. He, fuckin asshole, wants to date a different girl, a skinny little bitch with gold big earrings and the shortest shorts I've ever seen. Why am I such a fool? Why do I always think this time it's different? Because I don't learn from my mistakes? Why does every guy pretends to like me in the beginning and then just fall for a different girl? Why does every guy makes me hope there is love in this world? I don't get it. I feel so ashamed that I actually thought it could work. In the middle of school I just went to the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. The worst thing is that I don't have my friends who would help me to realize that it's not as bad as I think it is. That's the thing I miss the most - to get up on my feet again and be alive. I need my friends so much..

I wish every guy could just step on my heart one time, it would hurt for a months and then no one could ever break my heart again.

I know now I'm gonna get over him :) first of all I have the best friends in the whole fuckin world! they are my world, they mean more than everything else does to me♥
I'm so glad I found these awesome people and no mattter I'll go - they're always in my heart. I seriously do love them and I'm surrounded by these amazing people :)
Additionally... I think I'm a little bit in lalalalalove C: with this guy, I know him since 2 months and he always talks to me and today he asked me for my phone number, he is just being so sweet and it's this awesome feeling that a guy actually cares about you :)

i feel so free :) i think i'm in love, again C: with this guy from switzerland :) he is super cute and riciulously attractive :) he waits for me and asks me if i'm doing okay, we talk and we hug each other :) it's just so cute and would be such an awesome story :) i hope this is working out, because falling in love is one of the best feelings you can have♥

music.

music makes things a whole lot better. seriously, i would die without music.
music that brings me down when i just wanna live out my depressionen, music that gets me up and just makes me wanna bounce off the walls, music for dancing, music for memories.. there are all kinds of music. and they all make my life a bit easier, because music is always there and won't leave you.

what i'm listening to right now is shattered by trading yesterday, i love this song.

i love my old life♥ i love my friends, and since i'm away i find out who's still there for me, no matter how many oceans are between us. those are the people that really count and i miss them so much. right now, i just wanna go back and do all of the fun stuff we used to do -watching movies, partying, getting drunk, laughing, dressing up, wearing sunglasses for fun, doing funny face masks for our skins, listening to music together, sharing 2 seats in the bus with 3 people, talking talking and talking. i miss everything.

There's a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
There's a story in her eyes
Lullabies and goodbyes
When she's looking back at me
I can tell her heart is broken easily
'Cause the girl in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do

free of him

I'm free! kind of. finally. I still miss him, but it's not the missing it used to be. it's a missing that feels like I'm just happy it happened and glad to had him in my life, but it's kinda over. I haven't seen him in almost 3 months, we can't talk about our relationship, neither about us, so I guess that's just the way it goes. it ends. we both need to move on and leave all this behind, although it's gonna be hard once in a while.. I hope this feeling lasts, because I enjoy being free of him right now :)

It’s just another time of period where I miss him. We texted yesterday and I kinda got sick of it. He texts me first and expects me to do the whole conversation.. I don’t wanna talk about me and my experiences all the time, ‘cause I think it would bore him, but he doesn’t wanna do it either, so we get stuck with talking about everything else that doesn’t matter, but we never get to talk about the thing we should talk about. Us. We should just do it, get it out of the way.. but the truth is hard. And I don’t wanna make such a decision like telling him the truth and he would just run away and everything we’ve ever had would be gone. I don’t want our crazy little own world to fall apart, I wanna know if we get back to where we were, when I’m back. It’s still a long time I have to be without him, but I already made it through 2 months. Only 7 more months and 14 days until I see him again.

Sometimes I hope this time flies by, I wake up and be home. And sometimes I wish I’d never had to go back to where I’m from.. 

Everyone wears a masque.

I love being here, it's the most amazing place on earth I've ever seen :)

sometimes what you need isn't exactly what you want..

phtographs.

photos, simple photos. I seriously can't think of a reason to take a photo of me and my friend. probably to capture the great time we have. to have a reminder of how awesome we are together. to keep it as a memory.
I never took photos of me and him. I was too shy too ask to take one, but in my mind I took some photos. One that always flashs into my mind is probably from the best moment ever, when I was lying in his arms, just chillin there and he was just breathin and holding me. that's my favorite kinda photo. it doesn't matter what the photo is made of, either if it's paper, photopaper, an expensive frame, or if it's just your mind that captured a moment when you were full of emotion, you're gonna remember it.

i still love you

i believe i should stop pretending everything's okay, 'cause it's not. i should stop dreaming about going home and everything will be ok, 'cause it won't be.
but i still do hope everything will be alright by the time i get home, because it's one of the only things i can think about that keep me from falling apart.

not.

Enjoying Wyoming winter ♥

german

the following post is in german, because I feel like writing german. whatever
Es gibt nichts schöneres als in Zeiten der E-books, Kindles und iPads mit einem guten, neuen Buch eingekuschelt in eine Decke zu sein. Pyjamahose, zu große Jacke, ungemachte Haare, Winter. Draußen schneit es und alles wird langsam mit dem weißen Puder bedeckt.  Lesen, der Welt entfliehen, in eine neue Welt hineintauchen, sich von den Figuren verzaubern lassen, alles um einen herum für Momente, Stunden vergessen und einfach nur die Zeit vergessen.